Standard disclaimers:
As you all know, I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Unfortunately Watsuki and some big 
name 
companies do. (I should change this, I'm afraid this story has nearly nothing to 
do with 
Ruroken, except the name Saito Hajime)

Warning as always:
Mayor grammar and vocabulary mistakes might be ahead, hopefully you are not 
distracted by 
them. OOC! OOC! OOC!

AAARRRRGGGHHH! I'm awfully sorry for the fluff here, please don't flame me. 
Saito is already after me, chasing me with sword drawn, I'm desperately 
searching my own 
sword, but I'm afraid, I'm lacking fighting skills, no match for him. You'll 
realise when 
he got me, Mara is dead then and won't be able to write anymore. I must have 
been on drugs
writing this chapter, the plot developed a momentum on its own, I was not able 
to 
influence it.

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DECISION

After entering the inn and having a look around, Tokio discovered Kingo sitting 
alone at a
table in one corner of the twilit restaurant. In spite of his friendly, open 
looking face 
she could feel the loneliness emerging from him and she could not help but feel 
sympathy 
for him as she approached him and finally stopped in front of him. Raising his 
gaze she 
saw hopeful expectancy in his eyes as he smiled warmhearted at her.

"I didn't expect you this early, Tokio. Please, sit down."

She nodded and took the place on the other side of the table, one the one hand 
to face him
and on the other hand to have some space between them, to use the table as a 
barrier 
between them.

Concerned about her needs and well-being he spoke to her a second time
"Do you want something to drink?"

He was as she remembered him, always polite, caring and full of understanding 
for those he
liked and loved.

"Some tea would be nice. Thank you."

He waved the waitress and ordered some tea for both of them, they waited in 
silence till 
the tea arrived, both looking down at the table, sometimes lifting their heads 
and meeting
the other one's eyes.

Sipping her tea, Tokio decided it was time to tell him of her decision directly.
"I won't come with you."

His head dropped to his chest, he was afraid this could happen, but had 
repressed the 
thought till this moment. He would not give up this easily, leaving her behind 
with this 
man without a fight. He had waited fifteen years, he had a right to hear about 
the reason 
behind her decision and he lifted his head to meet her eyes once more. 
"Why?"

Questioning she raised her eye brows, what did he want to hear? Why she wouldn't 
leave 
Hajime? Why she can't come with him? Once they had shared a closeness, they had 
been able 
to tell with one look in the other one's face about their thoughts. Looking at 
him now, 
she only saw his solitude, his fear, his hope she might change her mind, but not 
what 
he was thinking. 

Fifteen years changed a lot. She had a history with another man, now she was 
able to see 
through Hajime, not through Kingo. 

After some more minutes in silence Kingo realised she expected a more precise 
question. 
Or was she just thinking of an appropriate answer? 

"I can't understand you, Tokio. Back then this was all we ever wanted, being 
together, 
sharing our emotions, our life. Why has this changed? Changed in a way, that you 
decided 
to stay with him?"

Realising what kind of answer he expected, she assured herself about what he 
wanted to 
know "Changed, so that I can't come with you?"

In response he nodded,
"Yes, I really don't understand why. What is speaking against coming with me?"

There was an easy answer for this question, obvious, but not the real reason. He 
would 
recognise that, but she wanted to keep away from him the pain answering the 
truth
"I'm married, I can't leave him."

Struggling for her coming with him and realising the full reality of her 
refusal, despair 
raised inside him, he tried to fight it.
"Being married is not speaking against leaving him. You never cared about 
conventions like
this. I know you, this is not a reason you would accept, nor do I. Your father 
is dead 
now."

She lowered her head, not able to stand looking in his eyes anymore, seeing the 
fighting 
feelings, the conflicts, reflecting in them
"You are right, my father was the reason why I married Hajime and he is dead 
now. I had to
follow his orders, this was one of the few conventions I accepted. But this is 
not the 
reason why I can't come with you."

Frustrated at not getting the answer he wanted so badly he raised his voice and 
accused 
her, his hope was not destroyed yet, maybe there was still a chance to change 
her mind, to
persuade her.
"You are afraid of changes, Tokio, that's the real reason. You don't want to 
leave because
you are afraid of the future. You have arranged your life, it is only natural 
that you 
don't want to change it. That is human."

Slightly she felt anger raising. Did he thought the only reason for staying with 
Hajime 
was THIS? This cheap explanation was not her style, he should know her better 
"Excuse me, but I think you got me wrong, I was never afraid of changes."

"Then, what is it? Don't try to tell me something stupid like you loving him and 
he loves 
you, you two can't live without the other. That is not true, we both know that."

"Yes, That is true, Hajime and I are not as close as we once have been."

She paused, resuming, sipping on her tea, gathering her thoughts. What had been 
the point 
where, the reason why she had decided to stay with her husband instead of going 
away with 
Kingo? Faith? Trust? Respect? Acceptance? 

Love was not the reason for staying, love would be a reason for leaving. Even 
more 
seriously than before she tried to express her thoughts in words.

"What do you think? What is more important? Fifteen years living together 
sharing 
wonderful as well as horrible experiences and memories or a love you experienced 
in your 
youth? Did this love last till today?" 
Thoughtfully she sipped on her tea again, recalling the feelings she once held 
for Kingo.
"You are more emotional when you are young, you have less barriers to let 
someone close. 
Growing up means for me that you realise that a love can't last for a life-time. 
What will
last? A past built up in fifteen years or a love shared at the age of eighteen?"

He was not satisfied with her answer yet
"You can't tell me that you love him as you love me, Tokio, that's not true. 
This hasn't 
changed. I know he doesn't love you, so: why?"

"This is not only about love, Kingo. If this would only be about love, I would 
leave with 
you. But I'm older now, other things are important for me. When you are young, 
everything 
seems so easy, the only thing you need is love, I'm sure you felt it too." 
Pausing she remembered the hurt she felt when he had to leave, leaving her 
behind with 
Hajime, a man she barely knew.
"Being hurt once I never opened myself to another man as I did to you. It was 
special and 
I didn't want to get hurt again. Years past and I had to arrange my life with 
Hajime. Yes,
you are right, I don't love him as I loved you, I never could. But in those 
years I gained
something together with him." 
Noticing the clenched hands around his tea-cup, she had to concentrate, not to 
let her 
feeling of sympathy control her, changing her mind. She would hurt him even more 
as she 
already did.
"I don't want to throw this away for a love I experienced as a young woman. I 
admit, this 
emotion has died. I gained a different feeling, the feeling of being respected 
and 
accepted for who I am by Hajime. I can't forget and deny fifteen years."

Nearly defeated he lowered his head, his chin touching his chest
"I realised it when I saw you the first time. Something was missing. Now I know 
what it 
is. You aren't able anymore to feel and share these deep emotions you once had." 

He looked down at his tightly clenched hands "You are right, emotions faded in 
these 
years, we can't bring back the strong, overwhelming feelings we had in our 
youth, we can't
bring back our youth."

Sadly she bowed "Yes, I guess that's right. I won't give up my life with Hajime 
for this 
faded feeling."

Realising that she wouldn't change her mind, he had to try it a last time, the 
last 
attempt to persuade her, deep inside he knew it was futile, this would not bring 
her back 
to him 
"I am able to give you more than he ever can. My love and my business."

She had to close her eyes, to keep away the sight of the broken man in front of 
her. 
Compassion was not a feeling on which she could built up a strong relationship, 
a new 
life. This man was not the man anymore she loved so dearly.
"Thank you for your offer, Kingo. But you know, these are two things that are 
not 
important for me."

"Yes, I know." Resigned his head dropped, the last glimmer of hope vanished, he 
knew 
this would have been futile, this was too shallow for her to accept.

Sympathy still stirred in her seeing his resigned solitude, but there was 
nothing she 
could do for him.
"I'm sorry, Kingo."

His voice was life-less, hope-less, heart-less as he addressed her, telling her 
what he 
had been afraid of all these years.
"I expected this would happen. Honestly I was afraid this would happen."

Regretting having hurt him so much, she decided that her compassion would not 
help him at 
the moment
"I hope you understand me."

Thinking about it, he hesitated. Is it possible to weigh up an emotion against a 
past? 
Emotion against rational considerations? Only once he believed in an emotion, a 
love for 
this woman. In business, he would never rely on such uncertain grounds like 
feelings.
"On the one hand....yes, on the other hand...no."

"I'm sorry I couldn't make it easier for you, but I can't leave with you."
Inwardly she sighed, fighting against her compassion, she stood up and prepared 
to leave.
"Good bye, Kingo."

"Good bye, Tokio." Taking the first steps towards the exit she left him behind, 
sitting 
alone at the table in the jelly-fish-light of the restaurant.

He reached out one hand as if to hold her back,
"Tokio?" She turned and faced him again "I would like to visit you and meet him 
finally."

Her hesitating, thinking lasted only a few seconds before she answered. 
"I don't consider this to be a good idea, Kingo. We shouldn't meet again, this 
will make 
it easier for you."

Meeting Hajime and seeing him together with her would not help him to digest his 
pain, 
hurt and finally let go, forget the remembrance of their love. It would only 
deepen the 
pain, watching them, seeing their sons. A life Kingo always wanted to share with 
her, 
watching another man having all he ever asked for?

His chin dropped to his chest and he whispered, barely understandable "You are 
right." 
He hesitated, nearly unable to speak a last time to her.
"My best wishes for your future and good bye."

"The same to you, Kingo. I hope you find a new future for you. I'm sorry. 
Good-bye." 
For a second she considered of telling him that she still had feelings for him, 
but that 
would awake his hope. With a last glance at the lone, lost man sitting in one 
corner of 
the twilit inn, she left the house and started a walk around to ease her 
thoughts and to 
calm down her disturbed emotions.

She had walked through Tokyo for some hours, it was already dark when she was in 
a right 
mood to go home and to face her family. Certainly her boys would be back again 
and a 
devilish smile formed on her lips imagining Hajime explaining her sons why she 
was not 
home.

She opened the door to their house "I'm home!" and slipped out of her sandals, 
it was 
quiet, except the room on the right hand from where Tsuyoshi was shouting.

"My God, Mum! That took ages! Where have you been?"

Sliding the door open she registered much to her surprise that her 'men' were 
sitting 
together in the room patiently waiting for her return. The room was filled with 
cigarette 
smoke as one of Hajimes ever present cigarettes was still dangling between his 
lips. It 
was not the first one as she could tell from the full ash-tray she had forced 
him to use 
inside the house and the air inside the room. 

Why can't they just open the doors on both sides of the room, at least to have 
some fresh 
air? she silently wondered.

Her youngest played excitedly with some wooden toys in one corner, while 
Tsuyoshi was 
reading in a book laying on his stomach beside him. Her eldest played a board 
game 
together with her husband. It was a strategy-game and much more to her surprise 
Hajime was
loosing against his son. Stifling a laughter she registered Tsutomu's pride 
winning 
against his father. Hajime was not someone who would lose intentionally easy, 
Tsutomu must
have used some good tricks that his father let him win as a 'reward'. 

Of course, if he would realise, that Hajime was losing on purpose, he would be 
deeply 
injured in his pride. 

Making his last move, defeating Hajime and getting high on his 'victory', he 
turned to his
mother. "Where have you been mum?" 

Tokio met the eyes of her husband and exchanging only a short, knowing glance 
with him, 
she knew he expected her to come back. But she had to focus her attention back 
to her son,
who impatiently continued with his demands
"I'm hungry, I'm starving! I'm fed up with this soba father prepares. This 
noodles taste 
like nothing! Please Mum!"

Closing her eyes she could scarcely stifle a laughter now, imagining her husband 
offering 
their sons soba, of course his favourite dish, but not his sons.
"Well, don't panic, I'll head straight to the kitchen and prepare something 
eatable." 
Rewarded with a deathly glare from her husband and thankful glances from their 
sons she 
turned.

"Pheee, about time Mum."

Still being amused, she left the room, while she noticed that Hajime secretly 
watched her 
every step, every movement, in an intensity, a way, Kingo did earlier this way. 
It made 
her stiffening her back, she did not know why, but this time it touched her deep 
inside 
and she was sure that Hajime was aware of it.

***

She was washing the rice when she heard the door opening and she looked up to 
see Hajime 
standing in it. Slightly she wondered why he was not smoking and spoke to him.

"When did you realise that I wouldn't leave?"

He smiled contentedly, sure about himself 
"I saw a new, expensive book lying on the bench. It had to be a present from 
him, too 
expensive that we could afford it. I recall he was well-off back then, but your 
father 
wanted a specific social rank for you, he wanted you to belong to the Samurai 
class." 
his lips curved into a cynical smile 
"Unfortunately we lost our rank, he couldn't foresee that, I guess."

Recalling her father's behaviour, his excitement during the wedding ceremony, 
she smiled 
widely "Yes, father was obsessed by marrying me to a Samurai. But what about the 
book?"

Before he continued, a smirk appeared on his face
"You would never lay something away what is precious to you this carelessly. At 
least you 
would lay it in a room, not on a bench, the sun shining on it. It was then that 
I realised
you would come back and stay."

Their gaze locked again, this time he was sure, he saw affection for him.

In the end, after fifteen long, lone years, she allowed him to touch her 
emotionally, she 
allowed him to enter a part of her from which she had excluded him before. 
Fascinated, 
unbelieving he stepped closer and touched her cheek with one hand, caressed it, 
the 
emotion that reflected in her eyes got stronger, he could clearly see it. 
The affection she had felt for him had at last turned to love. Love for him, 
accepting him
as he was, who he was, what he was. He bent down and kissed her gently on her 
mouth, 
retreated after he had touched her. He had never thought she could feel this for 
him. It 
was not the burning fire, the passion she had held for this other man, what he 
spotted was
a love and devotion he never believed she would be capable of, to share with 
HIM.

"Tokio,.." Laying a hand over his mouth she stopped him from further talking for 
what she 
saw in his eyes was enough for her. The respect and acceptance filled with 
deeper 
emotions, after fifteen years she realised that he cared for her more than she 
expected. 
She had been blinded, not noticing earlier. She raised to her tip-toes, threw 
her arms 
around his neck and kissed him as passionate as she had kissed Kingo all these 
years ago.

Aware of the fact that she didn't close her eyes this time he kissed her back, 
she didn't 
exclude him. For the first time she looked deep in his eyes while he held her, 
for the 
first time she spontaneous opened her mouth to explore him with her tongue.

He couldn't help, this was more than he ever asked for, he pulled her closer, 
his hands 
running down her back, starting to untie her obi while she already had opened 
the hakama 
he was wearing at home. Letting lust taking control over her, she let her 
fingers slip 
under his shirt, never closing her eyes, always meeting his amber one's.

"MUM! I want to walk across to Irie's later. Where is the meal! I'm starving! 
I want to go."

Suddenly remembering their sons waiting for their dinner, their movements came 
to an 
abrupt halt and Tokio could not help but laugh at her husband's disappointed 
expression
"Well, I don't know whose inheritance this impatience is, but I guess I'll 
better finish 
the preparations and get dinner ready."

Regretting he placed the kimono he still had in his hands back on her shoulders 
closing it
in front of her breast, not without casting a last longing glance at her. 

"Of course." He bent down to pick up his hakama and turned to leave the kitchen 
tying the 
open ends around his waist, but her voice stopped him.

"We'll talk later? When the kids are sleeping?"
Nodding his response he left the kitchen.

Gathered in the one room they usually used for eating, playing, spending the 
day, they ate
dinner in remarkable silence. Normally their sons told about their day, teased 
each other 
and brawled together. 

This evening they stayed quiet for they could feel something was going on, had 
changed in 
the relationship between their father and mother.

But they were not able to tell what, was it a change for the better or the 
worse? They 
were exceptional polite and nice to each other, not having their common 
discussions and 
arguments.

Tsutomu, for being the oldest and more aware of hidden signs, saw his mother's 
cheeks 
blushing as she noticed his father's intense stare at her. He narrowed his amber 
eyes, 
what was going on? But it was not within his range to find out this evening for 
they 
finished dinner more lately than usual. His younger brothers went to bed short 
after, 
already sleeping when he left to visit his friend, leaving his parents behind. 

Tokio and Hajime had settled down comfortable, drinking sake, recapitulating the 
events of
the day. Resting her head against his chest, Tokio was completely satisfied and 
waited for
Hajime to start the talk
"You waited fifteen years only for him to come back. Why didn't you leave? I 
thought this
time you would follow your emotions, you know that I don't care."

She snuggled closer for the position she was sitting in was getting 
uncomfortable.
"Yes, I know, but I don't mind either."

When she didn't mind why didn't she leave? Surprised he looked at the woman who 
desperately searched for a soft and cuddly place on his chest. Futile, he smiled 

sarcastically. 
"I can't give you what he would be able to offer you."

Finally she had managed to find a more or less comfortable position and stopped 
moving 
around
"Love and money is not every thing I ask for, I thought you would know this."

Astonished he raised an eyebrow at her. She was a woman, why she did not act 
like one? 
They usually followed their irrational, unpredictable emotions and impulses, her 
decisions
a mystery at most times.

Feeling a slight movement, she knew he was surprised and started to explain. How 
to 
explain a feeling to an insensitive man? She had to give it a try.
"It is another kind of love that I feel for you, Hajime. Not the wild, impetuous 
kind of 
love you feel when you are younger. The love I feel for you is based on other 
things, I 
think they could last longer, they are more well-founded. It is the respect and 
acceptance
for who I am, it is the fifteen years I shared with you."

He would never admit, but he was not able to follow her argumentation about 
emotions at 
full extent, but what mattered, she decided to stay
"I thought you would follow the other love."

"You should know me better by now."

A contented smile appeared on his face and he started to annoy her
"Yes, you are right, but still.. you are a woman. It is your nature to follow 
some silly 
emotions, unpredictable."

She stiffened, he had been sure this would work 
"SILLY, you call my emotions silly?"

Shrugging his shoulders, he decided to tease her more
"Whatever? Silly, infantile, irrational,.. choose which one you want."

With well-trained self-control she managed to chill her temper, there was still 
something 
she wanted to tell him
"I want to start trusting in you and loving you, the barrier holding me back is 
gone. I 
hope this will be the beginning of something very deep and special."

He embraced her from behind and kissed her gently in the neck, getting serious 
too. 
"You didn't leave, Tokio. I think this is special enough."

"You are right. I never thought I would chose you, but I did."

Sarcastically smiling he tightened his embrace
"Guess, you will have to stay with me from now on, no matter what happens."

Turning she hugged him back, lying her head against his forehead, looking deep 
in his eyes
"Yes, I'm doomed."

Finally they kissed each other gently while tightening their embrace.

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No tomatoes and eggs please! Keeping Saito away from me is hard enough!!
ARGH, I feel sick, far too romantic for my taste. Definitely OOC for Saito! I'm 
really 
lacking writing skills for this kind of stuff. Should write fast action stories 
again...

Did I really wrote this? My god, I'll go and visit a psychologist right now, 
otherwise my 
sweet source of inspiration, known as 'boyfriend', will declare me for insane.
Next one will be a Saito-parody, I'm afraid...

First posted: 8th March 2002
Revised and re-posted: 26th March 2002

Ja ne,

Mara